I've spent the past week agonizing over what to post, how often to post, and who to share it with. Launching the blog was supposed to be the hard part, but for me, starting (while challenging) is not what I struggle with. I don't complete things.
The last post was the thousand foot view of the things that ail me. Depression, anxiety, etc. etc. I'm very introspective. I have a tendency to over analyze things, which leads me to stress out and feel anxious about things as silly as not holding the door open for strangers 'cause of social distancing.
It's this over analyzing and worrying that plagued me for the days after emailing all my contacts a hastily composed e-blast to get people to subscribe to this blog. When I scrolled down to the bottom of the e-blast I sent out, I noticed that I had mistakenly auto-subscribed everyone on the list, so sending the e-blast to invite everyone to subscribe was a complete disastrous fail because I had dumb-wittingly broken trust with people in my introduction.
The first note I got to my shiny new email address was "Don't ever email me again".
I know that not everyone is going to like what I create, but knowing that doesn't help my fragile mindset. A few years ago while I helped out at my uncle's auto body shop as a porter. You know, someone who cleans and moves cars in the shop. Well, I damaged one of the completed vehicles while parking it, and cried after doing it.
As soon as I get one of these bad feels I ghost.
I have tiny bits of courage and when I muster enough to participate in the world, I find that it is easily snuffed out. I retreat into myself, and hide from everyone. I don't answer my phone, I delete social media accounts, I stop doing things I say I'm committed to.
I lived in Korea for 3 months to learn the language, but I got so afraid and embarrassed of looking Korean and not being able to speak it in Korea that I hid in my closet of a bedroom for the entire time, not going to class, not doing anything. The painful feeling of isolation you may dealing with due to coronavirus is a common occurrence in my life, but it's never easy to deal with.
I think last week I was planning to write a blog about mental health, and how to cope with chronic depression and anxiety by telling stories about moments in my life that spectacularly failed as a lesson for others to learn from. I will probably still tell some of those stories, but after reading "the War of Art" I'm going to approach this blog differently.
I don't want it to be a pity party because I haven't had a hard life. I think the only real problem I've had in life is that I've been losing to the voice in my head. He always wins. He tells me I suck, that I can't do this or that, it's too hard, that I should be afraid, no one will like this, or that I'll fail. He never has anything nice to say about me, yet I always listen to him.
I started making art "seriously" in 2010. It was an outward expression of who I am on the inside, a kid who loves cartoons and creativity. That year I decided not to be afraid of my true self. Sadly, it didn't last long.
By default, I observe and listen. When I meet talented creatives, I've been compelled to help them grow their craft. I tend to do this because I'm not confident in my craft. I believe if I can help somebody else "make it" then maybe I can help myself make it by proxy. My default is to value others above myself.
To be a successful artist, one needs to be self-confident.
I've piggy backed my artwork on every project I've created for the past decade because I really want to be an artist, but am not confident enough to have it stand alone. People don't need art, but they do need to eat. So I thought (and tried repeatedly) to create sushi concepts which would be wrapped in my artwork. It still makes sense, food and art, but the idea of an artist who has no money to attempt to create restaurants so he could sell art is pretty ridiculous.
That's the level of crazy I went to to justify me making art for a living.
These days, I'm not sure how to make a living. Sushi, which was my bread and butter, is out of the picture due to coronavirus, and the design business I recently started is a lot like my first business where I hoped to build something inspired by the talents of someone else. I hope the design projects gain traction, but without any short term income, I won't be able to persist.
This all leads me back to the why and what of blogging for this blog. Depression, anxiety, and all the other words that doctors have told me that limit my ability to function "normally".
I'm going to create. Everyday, I'm going to make something, doesn't matter what it is, and I'm going to post it here. That will be my therapy.
I need to stop being so afraid of life and the person I want to be. Hopefully this is a step in the right direction.