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Daily Meditation

My brain is filled with fear and doubt. It's exacerbated by being alone. My thoughts pile up on top of one another, with voice that's relentlessly negative, piling on doubt and fear faster than I overcome them. I really enjoy my personal time, but without effort, I can go days without interacting with another human.

Socializing has always given me a lot of anxiety, and while I enjoy being engaged in conversation with someone, it takes a lot of energy from me. Like, I feel physically exhausted after socializing. Seems everything in life is a double edged sword.

Today, as I was meditating, I found a little peace in the reminder that the way I receive love and fulfillment doesn't have to come from external sources, and often, it doesn't. There is a prevalent myth that things or success, or whatever reward it is we see are the things that lead to happiness. But the chase of those things actually results in sadness.

Finding peace is very much part of my art practice. Or attempting to anyways. My desire is to be whole in the silent space that is most of my life. I'm encouraged by the idea that I might become fulfilled, or even one day enlightened in stillness.

I'm pretty sure in another life I would have been a monk.

And so in my journey to find balance, peace and joy in my art and life, I will paint everyday to mirror my renewed meditation practice. Practicing both daily are essential for my wellness. I'll be titling these paintings simply, with the date, as I've viewed my works as moments of life. My work is truly one body of work, and the paintings are all part of the whole. Each one individually complete, yet a part of something larger.

I hope to also write something, no matter how brief, in this blog daily. Just as I meditate with paint (or ink), and in my living room, I have a desire to grow my understanding of self by writing. There is a deep power in putting words, dreams, and thoughts on paper.

I'm also going to edit far less than I have in past writing. I usually obsess over typos and missed words and whatever. I read and re-read my posts and make a bunch of edits before posting. These blogs are going to be more free writing. So forgive the illegibility at times. But I'm writing this for me. These words will always be honest, open, and authentic. If people read them, great. If not, no worries. I need to learn how to live in that way, where I remove my heart from the desire for love, affection, or affirmation from people as those are things I will never be able to control and have always hurt me because they never match my hope or expectations. That's not their fault, it is mine.

In 2023 I'm owning that fault.

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